Beauty Among Him

The Lion opens his mouth as if he were to yawn,

but instead he speaks to the world around him.

He proclaims his love for the wild forests and the high mountains,

For the profound pride land that escapes his breath,

For the creatures both big and small,

For the beauty that encases his magnificent spirit.

Nothing is beneath him.

He is one with the spiritual...

Two And A Half Years

I know that everyone has their battles they are facing, and I am not so naive to think I am the only one with problems... but I feel like I have had more than my fair share lately. Many of you do not know what has been going on. And the only reason I am talking about it now is because I need to get it out. Plus I know not a lot of people read my blog anyways, so writing it all down will not bee that big of a deal. Also, I am not writing this to get a pity party, because I have had enough of that already. I just don't want everything to be so hush hush anymore. I feel like I am literally walking on eggshells around people because I am so scared that they will find out my "big secret". And really, it is not that big of a deal anyways. So here is goes...

Two and a half years ago I had the most beautiful baby girl in the world. She was perfect. She had to go to the NICU for two weeks, but other than that she was amazing. When she came home she was so good. She never cried unless she was hungry or needed some mommy time. But for some reason I was not happy. I cried all the time. My nerves were on edge all the time. And I felt like an insane person. My life went on like this for about a year until I could not handle it anymore. I was literally tearing my hair out because of the stress of it all. So I confided in my two best friends. One just loved me and told me that it will be okay, and the other told me to go to my doctor.

So I went to the doctor and he said I had post-pardem depression. I thought, "Okay, this is dealable right?" I was given something for the depression and I went along my way. It was going to take about a month to take a real affect, so I bid my time and waited. After a month, things were still not better, I actually felt worse because I was depressed that this was not working. I felt I should have been fixed by now! What the hell, right! So I went back to the doctor and of course I was given something else to try. Alas, it failed and I was right back where I started. So one day I just gave up. I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying when Addy came up to me needing something and I did not respond. She was smacking me on the face, and I got up and went to my room and started bawling. Again, sitting on the floor, in a big heap of unfolded laundry, I sat there crying. Then I stopped and went numb.

Everything felt like a dream. Nothing was real, and I felt nothing.. I could hear two people talking to me, but still I was gone. Next thing I know someone I did not know was picking me up and I started to scream. I was so scared and my Post Traumatic Stress kicked in to full gear. I started hyperventilating. I did not know what was going on, and they were strapping me down to something. I saw lights and heard everybody talking at once to me telling me to calm down. Next thing I know I was loopy and in the hospital. I found out later that my best friend called the ambulance while Spencer was trying to talk to me. The doctor let me go home, giving me anxiety medication to calm me down if I started to freak out again.

I had to go back to my doctor, but in the end he was no help. I ended up seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. They put me on the right medications, helping me with not only depression, but anxiety, panic, PTSD, and a mood disorder. Months passed and I was seeing my therapist weekly, trying to unfold my past and get it out. Because of months of this therapy, I started to panic. I dreaded seeing my therapist, he was a great man and easy to talk to, but I could not revisit those memories again. They were getting to be too much for me to handle, and that is when I broke.

I went nuts, I was not sleeping and I could not take care of anything or anybody. In the end, I ended up in the hospital's Inpatient Ward twice in a months time because I could not hold it together. I got the help I needed, and thought I could do it. For a while it worked. I was not better by any means, but I felt I could move on at a slow pace. But then after a couple of months, I was starting to crack again. But I was holding it in better, not telling anyone what I was feeling. I felt this was the only way to make sure that I did not go crazy. But I did. I was not happy, and I was angry at everything and everybody. I could not take care of myself. I did not leave the house. And I did not willingly see people. I was functioning at a very basic level. I took care of Addy and that was it. She was the only thing that was keeping me here mentally.

Then that was getting to be unbearable as well... and that is when I snapped. I was mentally gone. I could not deal with my life, or life in general. I started cutting myself, just to feel something. When that started to go numb as well, I was finished with myself, everyone, and everything. That was the night I tried to take all the pain away... even myself. I tried twice. But Spencer was there twice to make sure I did not go. I did go back to Inpatient Therapy for trying to commit suicide. I hated the hospital, I still do, but I did not want to be there. I did not want to be anywhere. I wanted to be gone. When I got home, I was still not back to a normal state. I was still cutting myself and still functioning at a very basic level.

That is when Spencer sent me to California. I was so upset that I was being forced to go, but I went. At first I was so depressed about being there, I wanted to be home. But eventually it got better. My sisters were life savers. They brought me back from the living dead, and reminded me that I did have a wonderful life. I had a beautiful daughter and a loving husband, both whom I loved desperately. I found that I did not want this to be my life. I did not want to except that my life would be like this, miserable and numb. I did not want to think that this was going to be forever, that when my life becomes hell, that I will end up in the hospital. I did not want that.

That is when I sat down and prayed for the first time in a long time. Afterwards, I really did feel better. Granted my life did not go back to being perfect, but I felt I could mend. I felt hope for the first time in two and a half years. And that is where I am at today. On the mend, and hoping that my life will somehow work it self out and I will become better. That I will eventually be myself again. I still do see a Therapist and a Psychiatrist, and they have been extremely helpful to me. But yes, that is where I am at in life... hoping and trying to focus on being happy.

The power of the young mind.

Independence is when a little person's brain realizes that he/she has a mind of his/her own. When a child comes to this realization, they feel powerful. They can do anything they want, without any consequences. Nothing is in their way, and nothing will get in their way. Nothing can stop them.

Addy has come to this realization over the past two months. She has been a sweet little terror. No matter what she does, no matter what kind of punishment, she laughs in my face. Just the other day, I made oatmeal for Addalynn. When I told her to eat her breakfast, she did okay in the beginning. But she started to stir the oatmeal. Then she picked up the oatmeal and started dropping it back into her bowl... while doing this, she is getting the goopy stuff all over the counter, her chair and not to mention herself!

So , I looked at Addalynn and told her to stop, otherwise she would go to time out. She just stared at me. Then she started to laugh. While laughing, she started blowing bubbles into her oatmeal. It was as if I wasn't even there! I told her to stop one more time, again she looked at me, and started taking spoonfuls of the oatmeal, while watching me with no smile, and dropping the oatmeal on the counter. Fuming, I grabbed the spoon and bowl, and while I was at the sink getting a wash cloth she smeared the oatmeal not only on the counter, but into her hair and on her clothes.

I almost went nuts my friends. I did not even care she was filthy, I picked her up and put her in time out. Well, time out did not go over well. She was wriggling around, sliding down the wall and crawling across the floor. I mean seriously, time out was for two minutes and during this time I was wrangling her just to get her to stay in time out. After a minute she was screaming on the top of her lungs as if I was beating her. I was so mad... I lost it completely! So I took her into the bathroom, closed the door, and walked away for two minutes.

At first, she just kept screaming. So I sat there waiting. When she finally went silent, I opened the door... and yes, it only got worse. There was toilet paper everywhere. Liquid soap was dispensed all over the floor, and not only was she sticky, but completely wet. I walked away for two minutes, and she manages to destroy the bathroom! At that point I had no idea what to do. I was lost. I felt like crying. So I sat down on the floor and did exactly that.

About 30 seconds later Addy was crying and came over to me, she gives me a huge hug and cries out her sorries. My anger and frustration melted away. Even though I had oatmeal on me and that morning started out crazy, one thing I knew for sure... Addalynn loved me. She did not mean to start a crazy morning, she was just testing her boundaries. And really who can blame her. After all, she is two and learning about the world and what's around her.

Even though that morning was one of the hardest mornings I ever had with her, I knew Addalynn learned something. She knew what she did was wrong and when to say sorry. I can not say that she stopped pushing her young mind into the depths of open waters known as boundaries, because that would be ridiculous. But I can say, even though she is hard headed, she is sharp and has the best hugs in the world. Ones that makes even the roughest of mornings better.

Kisses...

It seemed only natural to post something about kissing this close to Valentines Day, but I am not talking about the normal types of kissing. So here it goes.

There are many types of kisses, each one ranging at different levels and different intensity... but the most valued, most pure, most coveted of all kisses are the ones given by mommies to owies. Yes, the Boo-boo Kiss is in fact the most powerful kiss one can receive. Children know this, because it is only natural to run to their mommy in a time of horrid tragedy and cry out, "MOMMY! AN OWIE! KISS IT!"

Now, you already know that a Boo-boo kiss cures owies, bumps, bruises, and yes the occasional paper cut. But what some do not realize is, that not only does it cure those hurts and owies, it also cures tear streaked faces, broken spirits and the heart of a whimpering child. A child in itself is already so delicate, that only the most special type of person with the most special type of kiss can really lift their suddenly gloomy day.

The Boo-boo Kiss has special qualities because of the love that it is backed up by. When a mother sees that her most precious treasure is hurting or crying, it is not only the child's heart that breaks, but the mommy's too. Mother's have such a close connection to their children because of that instant connection when they are born. To hold them in your arms after long hours of waiting, is not only magical but the world is put on pause. Whether you have your child because you had to wait 9 months, 2 years or even wait for a wonderful mother to pick you, that connection is by definition magical.

This magic is carried on throughout the years by the mothers. It is a necessity to have, for when that day comes that your child cries out for you and your heart breaks, the only tool you have is the only tool you need... your instinctual magical mommy Boo-boo Kiss.

Back In The Saddle Again.

It has been a long time coming, this post... I just have taken my sweet time writing it. Yes ladies and gentlemen I am back on my weight loss path. No I am not doing the same ol' crazy diet fad as I was before... stupidest thing I have ever done... but I am doing it the good old fashioned way, eating right and exercise. This has been an amazing journey so far. Oh yes, I have been doing this for 5 months and so far I have lost 26 lbs! Yay me... hold the phone...

Addy is coming in and out of my room carrying little white things and throwing them in the trash...? What is she up to? Lets investigate!

Alright folks, I am back... looks like little Addy decided it would be fun to pull out the wipes one by one and throw each one into the trash bin. Doesn't she know that she is wasting money by the pull! Jeeze, kids are wasters of good hard earned cash! What am I going to do with my little super cutie?

Anyways, back to what I was saying. I have decided to lose in total 80 lbs. So far I am proud with myself! I am a little over a quarter of a way there! I have been working very hard by running and eating the way I should, also I have had help from the kind people over at Weight Watchers. It is a great program. Also, I have good friends who are doing this with me, and that kind of support is always nice to have. So soon, hopefully I will be a skinnier and sexier me!

Now I am not saying I want to look like a stick with no curves, because lets get real... what man likes a woman that has no boobs, no butt and a sexy pair of legs? Not my man! He loves it all, he even likes a little bit of extra goodness as he calls it. I wont go into further detail, because lets face it, he is a man and men tend to go a little overboard with descriptions of a sexy female. Not saying women do not talk... because oh we do! We have lucious talks of men... but always in the company of other women. Men will stop and stare when a pair of ripe boobies are in view. Tisk tisk. No tact.

See you need to be like my friend Karen... this girl is not afraid of anything. She will speak her mind, tell you how it is and what it is like the drop of a hat. But the girl has style and tact. I learn much from the ways of Karen. How to do a craft made straight from tulle and ribbons or how to discretely tell your BFF how your husband is so hot and you want him now. Yes this girl knows it all.

I know what your thinking... "Megan, how is what your saying being discrete?" Well, honestly, I am not and I don't care. It is a blog and it came to my mind, not everyone reads it, just my friends who show interest in my life... and those people are usually the ones who laugh right along with me.

But this is way off track, as I was saying, I do not want to be scary and thin Paris Hilton or fake boobs Megan Fox, I want to look like me just thinner. Dont get me wrong I would love to look like Scarlett Johansson, because even I have a crush on the girl. But then I would not be me, and I always want to have my gorgeous voluptuous curves.

Ear, nose, and throat infections! Oh my!!!

Like all children, my baby got sick. Yes, a swollen throat, runny nose and achy ears prove it. She was running a fever last Thursday, and when daddy took her to the Doctors the proof was in the pudding. Now I know this is a lame topic, because lets get real... kids get sick. It wasn't the first nor will it be the last. But taking care of her is the real story...

Remember how I said she is starting to distract? Well, she learned to manipulate the situation from the best manipulator ever... me! Yes, when I am sick I am so groggy and a down right pain. Spencer must really love me to put up with me, because I ask for this and for that, lay in bed and moan... I am as bad as a man with a sniffle!

But back to Addy, even though she was sick she made me laugh. Addy was laying in my bed with her Pedialite and stuffed monkey, and she turns to me and says, "Mommy, Elmi please." By the way, Elmi is Elmo, she cant say the O for some reason. So anyways, I pop in Elmi, and she cries out "No!". So I figured she wanted another Elmo dvd, so I pop in another. Again, "No!"

Well I was running out of options, because we only have three DVDs, so I put in the last one. This time she starts bawling. Big ol' crocodile tears running down her face and the biggest tantrum I have seen yet! I ask her what is the problem and she just moans and cries, "Elmi... Elmi... Elmi". So the last thing I could think of was going online and seeing if she wanted to watch a clip of Elmo.

Success! So for 2 hours we sat there as I clicked on links of Elmo, with her telling me yes or no to the videos. And the one she wanted to see the most often was this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyVzjoj96vs

Check it out, it is cute.

But there you go, another growing moment for both baby and mommy.

Diversion: Bath Time

Oh Addalynn. I love you my darling sweetheart.

For those who are joining us today at Club Megan are in for a treat. My adorable daughter Addalynn, the joy of my life, has started to learn the trick of diversion. Recently, she has decided that bedtime means bath time. Now for as long as I can remember these two things are not similar at all... well with the exception that both words have time at the end of it. Now you may be thinking, "How is Addy getting out of bedtime with bath time?" And that is a fantastic question! Let me tell you how.

Our house is set up where the computer room is right across from the bathroom. At night we, as a family, watch Elmo videos with Addy to get any last minute hyperness out of the way. This works like a charm, because she has her milk while chilling out with lullaby's by Elmo, Will.i.am and Katy Perry. After we are done we read scriptures and say our family prayer. But these past two nights, before scriptures and family prayer, Spencer and I made the mistake of checking our emails and Facebook and not watching where Addy goes off to.

Before we know it Addy has gone across the computer room, down the hallway and into the bathroom. She strips down butt naked and gets into the bathtub. No She does not know how turn on the tub (that would be amazing), but she sits in there calling out to us until we go and see what the fuss is about.

When we walked into the lavatory, there stood Addy, in all her glory for all the world to see. And because she is so dang adorable, we collapsed as whipped parents do and let her take a bath. No, it is not the end of the world, but I am sad that my daughter is growing up. She is smarter day by day, and that is a little hard to choke down. Call me sappy, but I miss my little baby who depended on me for everything, even taking her clothes off for a bath.