The Ramblings Of A Mad Woman.

I wonder if I said random things during this blog if people would stay and read the whole thing? Lets give it a try! First off, there is a disclaimer... I am not saying it is going to be a wholesome experience. There will be profanity, drugs and probably some nudes. Now that is out of the way, lets get started!

I want you to clear your mind and close your eyes.... well don't close your eyes! That would defeat the purpose of this exercise. Just clear your mind... yes yes that will do. Now I want you to think of a tree. A huge walnut tree. You are laying on the ground looking up at this tree. You notice the leaves, how they curve and twist. You see the walnut pods hanging from the branches. Notice how they sway in the wind? I do. There is music coming from this tree. Rustling leaves kissing each other as the bump up against the other one. Smell the earth, appreciate it for what it is. This tree symbolizes your growth in this world. Each branch telling a story. The walnuts are the fruit of your labors. The leaves are the beauty within.

What if I told you that I only had one arm... would you still like me. If you said no... your a punk and deserves to be slapped... with my one arm! What if I told you that I love pouring butter on pizza and then dipping it into mustard? Psh! Better than what you eat! And you think I am gross! What if I told you that my favorite thing to do is to play jump rope with snakes? What if I told you that my favorite past time is planting rocks in the garden, watering them and hoping I could grow unicorns? What if I told you that you had something on your face... and it looks like a a piece of toast? What if I told you I want to cuddle up to a sloth?

No, I am not crazy... just a little off in the head. But remind yourself that this is why you love me. I figure why be normal when it is so much fun being mad! You get to take all sorts of pills! I know... I should want to "fit in"... but I can not see that being to much fun. Why wear clothes if running around naked suits you just fine? I just show my colors to the world... if you don't like it, close your eyes. When you are insane, things are always bigger than you! Every problem or event is blown into a thousand different proportions. Who would not love that? Plus, people always look out of the corner of their eye and walk around you in a wide circle... maybe I have aids?!? You don't know! Or the clap! You never know with the nutters out...

There you have it... my rambles for the day.

From Slimy Worm Mommies To Yucky Raisin Bran

You probably already know this, but I love my little offspring, Addalynn. She is the funniest little kid I have ever met. Addy has a mind of her own and does what she wants when she wants. When I watch her without her knowing, Addy can entertain me for hours.

Addalynn walks around in clothes that she picked out herself. For example, she is wearing her flower pajama bottoms with a yellow and orange striped dress and pink hoodie over the top. She has on brown cowboy boots and her crazy Indian beanie. When I try to change her before we go somewhere, she starts throwing the biggest fit I have ever seen. She is proud of what she is wearing and unfortunately when we go out she looks like a homeless child.

While playing, Addy is known for her imagination. The girl loves to play with her little kitchen. But the funny part is she does not play in her kitchen like a normal little kid, you know cooking food and washing dishes. Addy takes her Little Tykes people and put them in the pots and cooks them for her favorite stuffed monkey. I am slyly standing by her door, and trying not to laugh as she says, "Here monkey, eat them for dinner!" I thought that was great! What a crazy imagination. The best part is she actually acknowledged the fact there was a "them". Somehow I just know she will take over the world and boil us for flying monkeys.

Addalynn is also known for the little remarks that come out of her mouth. Addalynn loves playing in the dirt and finding worms. One time she came over with a worm and told me, "Mommy I love wormy!" I said, "Oh yeah?" She looks at me and says, "Mommy is wormy!" I guess in her mind this was the biggest accomplishment anyone could have. I mean, if she loves worms, and if you are like a worm, what could possibly be better than that?

Along that same note, I love how Addalynn's mind thinks. She was looking at the moon for quite some time one night. She turns to look at me and says, "Mommy, moon is broken!" I had no idea what she meant. So I asked her, "The moon is broken?", of course she says yes. I asked her some questions trying to figure out what she meant. It was then Spencer came up and she said the same thing to him, "Daddy, moon is broken!". Spencer, having the same personality and way of thinking as Addy, looked up and said, "Oh yeah! It is broken!" Spencer told me that she meant it was a half moon. I never thought about it that way! I guess with all the books we read to her, the moon is always a full circle. What a smart little lass!

My favorite thing that Addalynn does is make up her own little mind. Whenever she makes up her mind, no one can tell her otherwise. For example, Addy was having breakfast this morning and she asked me for cereal. Well, the only cereal we had was Raisin Bran. I knew she would hate it, so I told her I would make her eggs and toast. She started whining at me telling her she wanted "sheree". So I poured her some cereal, knowing that she will not eat it. Well the girl surprised me. Addy started eating it and she looked at me on the first bite and said, "Addy don't like it!" So I tried taking it away, but she yelled at me and told me to give it back to her. Annoyed, I tried to tell her if she didn't like it, then I would give her something else. But the girl is so stubborn! She said no, and actually ate the cereal. She hated it, but she ate it because she did not want to eat what I suggested! What a little butt!

I love Addy, she is my little baby girl. Watching her grow into her own little self makes me laugh. She can be a little monster at times, but I would not give it up for anything in the world. Even if that means I am her slimy worm.

Making Mistakes

Have you ever made a mistake that you regret the instant it happens? Well, I have. The bigger problem is, I don't know how to make it right. Any suggestions? I will take anything... any advice would do. That is all.

A Short Rant About Sleep.

So raise your hand if your slumber has been turned topsy turvy! Well mine has! For the past month I have had the craziest "sleep" I have ever had. There has been some things that are different happening in my life that might explain a few changes, but seriously what the hell?

First off, I take this med that will literally put me to sleep at 7:00 pm if I take it early enough. And I am not talking about getting sleepy... I am talking about knocks you out cold! My friend Molly can vouch for me! Remember Molly? Out like a light on your bed during our BBQ? HA HA! Good times! But alas, I figured out when to take my medicine, so no more falling asleep in my dinner.

Secondly, I keep waking up in the middle of the night with the craziest notions! For example, I received a call last night from someone in my ward reminding me about a lesson I am teaching. This lesson has me cooking, so of course I am off looking at my recipes and finding the best ingredients. Well I woke up in the middle of the night, startled because I thought I had to run off and grab something right then from the store. It leaves me with this crazy jittery sensation. I hate it.

Last, but certainly not least, are my dreams. Now some of you know I dream so vividly, that it is real for the first couple of minutes when I first wake up. For example, if I was dreaming about a man... let's say Chris Hemsworth (woot woot!) in my bed, I wake up thinking he will be there! Which, lets be honest... what woman doesn't want Thor in her bed?



I rest my case. Anyways, getting back to my topic... yes dreams. My dreams have been more than a little vivid, and happening a little to often. Now you may want to know the current topic of my dreams... sorry, that is saved for certain ears only. Jeeze! Off topic again! I am just trying to say that my dreams are getting out of control, and I am not sleeping well at night. It is very frustrating for more than just one reason. Sorry, those "reasons" are also privileged.

This past month has been crazy. I am hoping that I do not go insane before my sleep patterns kill me. But who knows... maybe being insane is enlightening.

Beauty Among Him

The Lion opens his mouth as if he were to yawn,

but instead he speaks to the world around him.

He proclaims his love for the wild forests and the high mountains,

For the profound pride land that escapes his breath,

For the creatures both big and small,

For the beauty that encases his magnificent spirit.

Nothing is beneath him.

He is one with the spiritual...

Two And A Half Years

I know that everyone has their battles they are facing, and I am not so naive to think I am the only one with problems... but I feel like I have had more than my fair share lately. Many of you do not know what has been going on. And the only reason I am talking about it now is because I need to get it out. Plus I know not a lot of people read my blog anyways, so writing it all down will not bee that big of a deal. Also, I am not writing this to get a pity party, because I have had enough of that already. I just don't want everything to be so hush hush anymore. I feel like I am literally walking on eggshells around people because I am so scared that they will find out my "big secret". And really, it is not that big of a deal anyways. So here is goes...

Two and a half years ago I had the most beautiful baby girl in the world. She was perfect. She had to go to the NICU for two weeks, but other than that she was amazing. When she came home she was so good. She never cried unless she was hungry or needed some mommy time. But for some reason I was not happy. I cried all the time. My nerves were on edge all the time. And I felt like an insane person. My life went on like this for about a year until I could not handle it anymore. I was literally tearing my hair out because of the stress of it all. So I confided in my two best friends. One just loved me and told me that it will be okay, and the other told me to go to my doctor.

So I went to the doctor and he said I had post-pardem depression. I thought, "Okay, this is dealable right?" I was given something for the depression and I went along my way. It was going to take about a month to take a real affect, so I bid my time and waited. After a month, things were still not better, I actually felt worse because I was depressed that this was not working. I felt I should have been fixed by now! What the hell, right! So I went back to the doctor and of course I was given something else to try. Alas, it failed and I was right back where I started. So one day I just gave up. I was sitting on my kitchen floor crying when Addy came up to me needing something and I did not respond. She was smacking me on the face, and I got up and went to my room and started bawling. Again, sitting on the floor, in a big heap of unfolded laundry, I sat there crying. Then I stopped and went numb.

Everything felt like a dream. Nothing was real, and I felt nothing.. I could hear two people talking to me, but still I was gone. Next thing I know someone I did not know was picking me up and I started to scream. I was so scared and my Post Traumatic Stress kicked in to full gear. I started hyperventilating. I did not know what was going on, and they were strapping me down to something. I saw lights and heard everybody talking at once to me telling me to calm down. Next thing I know I was loopy and in the hospital. I found out later that my best friend called the ambulance while Spencer was trying to talk to me. The doctor let me go home, giving me anxiety medication to calm me down if I started to freak out again.

I had to go back to my doctor, but in the end he was no help. I ended up seeing a Therapist and a Psychiatrist. They put me on the right medications, helping me with not only depression, but anxiety, panic, PTSD, and a mood disorder. Months passed and I was seeing my therapist weekly, trying to unfold my past and get it out. Because of months of this therapy, I started to panic. I dreaded seeing my therapist, he was a great man and easy to talk to, but I could not revisit those memories again. They were getting to be too much for me to handle, and that is when I broke.

I went nuts, I was not sleeping and I could not take care of anything or anybody. In the end, I ended up in the hospital's Inpatient Ward twice in a months time because I could not hold it together. I got the help I needed, and thought I could do it. For a while it worked. I was not better by any means, but I felt I could move on at a slow pace. But then after a couple of months, I was starting to crack again. But I was holding it in better, not telling anyone what I was feeling. I felt this was the only way to make sure that I did not go crazy. But I did. I was not happy, and I was angry at everything and everybody. I could not take care of myself. I did not leave the house. And I did not willingly see people. I was functioning at a very basic level. I took care of Addy and that was it. She was the only thing that was keeping me here mentally.

Then that was getting to be unbearable as well... and that is when I snapped. I was mentally gone. I could not deal with my life, or life in general. I started cutting myself, just to feel something. When that started to go numb as well, I was finished with myself, everyone, and everything. That was the night I tried to take all the pain away... even myself. I tried twice. But Spencer was there twice to make sure I did not go. I did go back to Inpatient Therapy for trying to commit suicide. I hated the hospital, I still do, but I did not want to be there. I did not want to be anywhere. I wanted to be gone. When I got home, I was still not back to a normal state. I was still cutting myself and still functioning at a very basic level.

That is when Spencer sent me to California. I was so upset that I was being forced to go, but I went. At first I was so depressed about being there, I wanted to be home. But eventually it got better. My sisters were life savers. They brought me back from the living dead, and reminded me that I did have a wonderful life. I had a beautiful daughter and a loving husband, both whom I loved desperately. I found that I did not want this to be my life. I did not want to except that my life would be like this, miserable and numb. I did not want to think that this was going to be forever, that when my life becomes hell, that I will end up in the hospital. I did not want that.

That is when I sat down and prayed for the first time in a long time. Afterwards, I really did feel better. Granted my life did not go back to being perfect, but I felt I could mend. I felt hope for the first time in two and a half years. And that is where I am at today. On the mend, and hoping that my life will somehow work it self out and I will become better. That I will eventually be myself again. I still do see a Therapist and a Psychiatrist, and they have been extremely helpful to me. But yes, that is where I am at in life... hoping and trying to focus on being happy.

The power of the young mind.

Independence is when a little person's brain realizes that he/she has a mind of his/her own. When a child comes to this realization, they feel powerful. They can do anything they want, without any consequences. Nothing is in their way, and nothing will get in their way. Nothing can stop them.

Addy has come to this realization over the past two months. She has been a sweet little terror. No matter what she does, no matter what kind of punishment, she laughs in my face. Just the other day, I made oatmeal for Addalynn. When I told her to eat her breakfast, she did okay in the beginning. But she started to stir the oatmeal. Then she picked up the oatmeal and started dropping it back into her bowl... while doing this, she is getting the goopy stuff all over the counter, her chair and not to mention herself!

So , I looked at Addalynn and told her to stop, otherwise she would go to time out. She just stared at me. Then she started to laugh. While laughing, she started blowing bubbles into her oatmeal. It was as if I wasn't even there! I told her to stop one more time, again she looked at me, and started taking spoonfuls of the oatmeal, while watching me with no smile, and dropping the oatmeal on the counter. Fuming, I grabbed the spoon and bowl, and while I was at the sink getting a wash cloth she smeared the oatmeal not only on the counter, but into her hair and on her clothes.

I almost went nuts my friends. I did not even care she was filthy, I picked her up and put her in time out. Well, time out did not go over well. She was wriggling around, sliding down the wall and crawling across the floor. I mean seriously, time out was for two minutes and during this time I was wrangling her just to get her to stay in time out. After a minute she was screaming on the top of her lungs as if I was beating her. I was so mad... I lost it completely! So I took her into the bathroom, closed the door, and walked away for two minutes.

At first, she just kept screaming. So I sat there waiting. When she finally went silent, I opened the door... and yes, it only got worse. There was toilet paper everywhere. Liquid soap was dispensed all over the floor, and not only was she sticky, but completely wet. I walked away for two minutes, and she manages to destroy the bathroom! At that point I had no idea what to do. I was lost. I felt like crying. So I sat down on the floor and did exactly that.

About 30 seconds later Addy was crying and came over to me, she gives me a huge hug and cries out her sorries. My anger and frustration melted away. Even though I had oatmeal on me and that morning started out crazy, one thing I knew for sure... Addalynn loved me. She did not mean to start a crazy morning, she was just testing her boundaries. And really who can blame her. After all, she is two and learning about the world and what's around her.

Even though that morning was one of the hardest mornings I ever had with her, I knew Addalynn learned something. She knew what she did was wrong and when to say sorry. I can not say that she stopped pushing her young mind into the depths of open waters known as boundaries, because that would be ridiculous. But I can say, even though she is hard headed, she is sharp and has the best hugs in the world. Ones that makes even the roughest of mornings better.